


This Never Happened

by captainimprobable



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Character Study, Diary/Journal, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 12:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25849456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainimprobable/pseuds/captainimprobable
Summary: "YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT LUZ DID TODAY."~~Amity's diary entries, from the beginning to now. The story so far.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 30
Kudos: 328





	1. The Story So Far

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to be writing a Lumity fic for my girlfriend, but somehow Amity took over and it turned into her show. I'm not even mad, I love that funky lil lesbian. 
> 
> This is based on some of the diary entries we've seen, plus I added some of my own.

_1/24_

_Sorry I haven’t written for a while- Wait. Why am I apologizing? This is my diary (journal? Log? Anything less embarrassing than diary?). The point is, it’s my space. No parents to disappoint, no siblings to torture me, no fake friends to laugh airily at jokes that aren’t even funny. And no humans to ruin my life._

_Yeah, I said human._

_Turns out, they’re real, and they’re also absolutely insufferable. You should’ve seen this one. Ugly round ears, bizarre, inappropriate outfit, and COMPLETE disregard for what it means to be a real witch. It was horrific. Even worse, she’s friends with Willow. Of all the witches on The Boiling Isles, the human had to befriend Willow. Of course!!! It’s like this girl showed up exclusively to ruin my life._

_She even almost took my Top Student status out from under me. I went almost an entire day without that star. It was terrifying. Without it, it was like my entire identity had been taken away. I felt like there was nothing tethering me to the ground anymore, like I’d float away and become nothing unless I got it back._

_I…I don’t know where to stand if it’s not on top. I don’t know who I am if I’m not the best. And I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I really think that if I slip up or make a mistake, Mother and Father might not love me anymore. I know, I know, It sounds ridiculous! They’re my parents! Of course they’d love me!_

_So why do I have to wonder?_

_I don’t think Ed and Em have ever had a bad day in their entire lives. I bet they never wonder._

_2/7_

_Why won’t the human leave me alone?! She’s everywhere. She’s in my school, she’s in my town, she’s even at Coven Recruitment! Everywhere I go, the human is there, waiting to ruin my day. Is this some kind of fun human world game for her??? Is this her way of making friends??? She wanted to duel me. She asked for it._

_So then…why did she chase after me when I lost?_

_I can’t figure out her angle. I don’t know what she wants from me. Is she trying to confuse me? Does she think that if she pulls my reputation out from under me, I’ll crumble like a...a badly made sand castle or something??? (UGH I’m so frustrated I can’t even think of a better simile, but you get the point.)_

_Does she actually think she can be a witch???_

_Most of all though…why did she follow me out of that arena? What does she gain by playing nice?_

_I can’t figure her out. She did say she was sorry, and she sounded sincere! But I’ve been lied to before._

_I won’t fall for it._

_2/16_

_It’s not fair. I’m the only one who knows Ed and Em aren’t perfect. Why do they keep getting away with things? Why is it so easy for them? Why is EVERYTHING so easy for them???? Mother and Father look at the three of us and see two perfect children and one broken one. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. I WANT to be fixed. But they have the natural talent, they have the good looks._

_And they have each other._

_Maybe that’s their secret. Maybe they’ve got it all together because they have someone else to rely on._

_What do I have?_

_Mediocre magical talent, and no real friends. Was I just supposed to be alone from the beginning? Is this my punishment for what I did to Willow?_

_Maybe…maybe I deserve it._

_I probably deserve it._

_2/28_

_I saw that… human girl again. I may have overreacted. I don’t want to come off as cruel, I just… can’t show weakness._

_I will be perfect, even if it kills me. Even if it makes her think that I’m a terrible person. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks, though. It really doesn’t._

_It doesn’t._

_So then why does it feel so bad?_

_3/14_

_Okay, so maybe Luz isn’t that horrible. Actually, she’s kind of…nice? She’s definitely strange, and definitely someone I shouldn’t be associating with.  
Oh, and she READ MY DIARY. Like, who does that???_

_I was definitely hurt, but then she actually…apologized? I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard the words “I’m sorry”. That’s not how it usually works, it’s usually just….hurting people over and over and over again until they break._

_But she did it. She apologized._

_And we actually make a pretty good team. We fought the monstrous version of Otabin together (long story), and we won! She doesn’t know a ton of magic, but she’s smart, I guess._

_She’s lending me the fifth Azura book. I didn’t even know there was another one! I guess it makes sense, considering that insane cliffhanger at the end of the fourth._

_I’ve never met someone else who likes Azura. I guess…I guess I have a lot to think about._

_3/25_

_Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Luz. Is coming. To Hexside. She’s going to be a student at my school. A human!!!! At a witch school!!!_

_That’s just wrong._

_I mean, look. We’re friends now, I think. She’s not terrible, and sometimes she’s actually fun to hang out with! We talk about books a lot, and she said she’s going to bring me some new ones from the human world one day._

_But she doesn’t belong. She can’t be there. Not when I’m there. All the time._

_Oh god I’m going to see her **every day**._

_…Actually, that…doesn’t sound as bad as I expected it to. Huh. Maybe I overreacted? She’s just a human. It’s not a huge deal._

_I guess seeing her every day won’t be too bad._

_4/5_

_YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT LUZ DID TODAY._

_Ed and Em and I were training at The Knee, because, you know, sometimes they pretend to be caring older siblings, when we ran into Luz and that weird Owl Lady._

_Luz was all bundled up in this gray jacket and I just couldn’t stop staring. I guess I like the color gray or something? I’ll have to ask her where she got it from, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her._

_I mean, her jacket. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her jacket. Right._

_So anyway, I was training. And it was going fine, I was using my training wand since sometimes I need a LITTLE assistance with fire magic, whatever. So I go to take a break and as soon as I turn around, Luz STEALS the wand. Not only that, but she also wakes some monster AND wears out the charge in the wand. All within a five minute period. How can ONE person make so much trouble???_

_I was so incredibly mad, but when the monster grabbed the twins and the Owl Lady and started running, I knew I had to do something._

_So I put Luz in a cage._

_Okay, I know how that sounds. Gosh Amity, it’s not nice to put your friends in cages! I KNOW, alright? I was just…mad and maybe a little embarrassed and I wanted to make sure she stayed safe. Really, it was almost entirely for her safety. Almost. So I left her there and ran to fight the monster._

_And then. AND THEN. Out of nowhere, Luz just SHOWS UP, and suddenly she’s using ice magic??? Where did she even learn that? I know for a fact that before she’d only known how to make orbs of light, but there she was, Luz Noceda, human disaster extraordinaire, towering over us on a huge block of ice, ready to help take down the Slitherbeast._

_And she did it. She actually did it._

_With her help, we managed to free Edric, Emira, and Owl Galore._

_I’ve never seen anything like it. When she apologized for stealing my wand I barely even knew what to say. I looked at her and I couldn’t stop thinking about what her silhouette against the moon had looked like as she stood up there with a confidence I’ve only ever known how to fake._

_I still can’t stop thinking about it._

_4/25_

_Something is very, very, very wrong._

_I feel kind of off lately, like the world’s tilted a little bit and I’m struggling to figure out how to stand on the ground again. The problem is, nobody else seems to feel it._

_It doesn’t help that Luz is starting at Hexside tomorrow. I’m excited to have another friend at school, I really am! But the idea of walking down the same hall every day, seeing her in the cafeteria, working together in class, is kind of…overwhelming._

_I don’t know why. I get kind of sick when I think about it, which makes no sense, because I really am happy she’s gonna be there! Hmm. Maybe I’m worried the constant proximity will take a toll on our friendship._

_Oh. Huh. That’s probably it. I know I don’t have a great track record with friends, so I’m probably just nervous about keeping her around. It’ll be fine though. Nothing has changed! So she’s going to my school, so what? I have nothing to worry about._

_5/7_

_Um._

_A lot happened today._

_Where do I even start? So basically I made a little…mistake this morning, and ended up almost erasing all of Willow’s memories._

_Okay, fine. A big mistake._

_It’s just that I saw this picture of the two of us from when we were little and, I don’t know, I just got so scared and ashamed that I burned my face out of it. The problem is, the fire didn’t stop. It kept tearing through Willow’s memories until she was basically sick, so Luz and I took her to the Owl House, where the Owl Lady told us what we had to do. Apparently, the ONLY solution was for me and Luz to take a little adventure into Willow’s mind and physically fix the damage I’d made._

_Yeah. Talk about a hard day._

_So she took my hand and we popped right in. But here’s the thing about taking her hand:_

_I didn’t want to let it go._

_There was something so comforting about her hand in mine, and when she let go it felt like I’d lost something important. I tried to focus on the Willow mission, but it was hard when Luz was just….everywhere. Pulling me through every memory, helping me fix what I’d broken._

_And then she saw it. The one memory I didn’t want anyone to see, the one that started it all._

_I’ve had to do a lot of thinking today, and the reality is that I hurt Willow a lot. I’ve always known that, but it was so easy for me to pretend that it wasn’t my fault, or that it didn’t really matter. My parents were the ones who broke up our friendship. But…why did I have to be so cruel? Why did I spend years picking on her and trying to bring her down?_

_What was I trying to protect?_

_I’ve turned into a bully. It’s been hard to admit to myself, but I think deep down I’ve always known. It’s finally time for me to face the fact that that’s who I’ve been._

_I don’t blame Willow for feeling so negative towards me. I deserve it._

_I got my chance to apologize today though, and I took it. I know we’re not friends or anything right now, but at least she knows that I regret what I’ve done. And I do. I really do. I’m done with those rich snobs I pretend to call my friends. I’m done making people miserable. I hate who I’ve become, but it’s finally time for me to start again._

_I felt a lot better about it at the time, but now…now I’m all twisted up inside. Because I think I’ve figured out why everything’s felt so weird lately._

_What happened it this: Luz hugged me._

_I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal. Friends hug each other all the time! Why even mention it?_

_Because this was different. She hugged me and all of a sudden everything I’ve been feeling just kind of exploded into my brain, and suddenly my heart was beating too fast and my mind just blanked. Completely blanked. You could’ve asked me for my name and I wouldn’t have remembered it._

_And then her cheek was touching mine and I’m 100% sure that I was redder than that chili pepper the twins once tricked me into eating._

_I can still feel her in my arms right now, and I KNOW how weird and creepy that sounds! I hear it too! But I can’t help it. Because it all makes sense now._

_I have a crush on the human._

_5/23_

_Knowing changes things._

_It’s like suddenly, I don’t know how to act around her. Even the most basic things feel wrong to me, like I’m convinced I’m going to trip in front of her, or accidentally touch her hand again, and then what will I do???_

_I’m afraid that everyone can see how I’m feeling just by looking at me. It must be so obvious. But they can’t know. They can’t find out._

_First of all, it would be so embarrassing. Seriously, the thought of someone knowing feels like the end of the world. The thought of LUZ knowing has me terrified…ohhh god, I can’t even find the words because now Im thinking about it and I’m just. Scared._

_I’m so so so so so scared._

_Why did it have to be her, of all people? Why Luz??? Why can’t I stop feeling this way? Even if I was going to go for it (which I’m not), she’d probably laugh in my face, or get so disgusted that she’d walk away._

_I wouldn’t blame her._

_This is so bad. I’m so **screwed**._

_6/2_

_Hi Luz. You might be wondering why I gave this to you_

_Luz! Whats up? How are you? Im great. The weather_

_Luz, do you want to maybe possibly at all maybe_

_Luz, Will you go to Grom with me?_  
~~  
Wow. Okay. I actually wrote those words out. I actually did it. Now I just have to…give it to her. 

_HA! Yeah, right. Like I’m actually going to do that. Like I’m actually going to walk up to the girl I like, hand her the letter, and then stand there as she reads it and probably rejects me?_

_NOPE. Not today, Amity._

_It was enough just to write it out._

_But…well…what if she said yes?_

_6/3_

_It’s over. Everything’s over. I’m Grom queen. I’m Grom Queen, and I was too much of a child to give the letter to Luz, and now not only am I going to get rejected, but it’ll be in front of the entire school. This is a nightmare._

_6/3_

_Luz offered to be Grom Queen instead of me._

_WHO DOES THAT????_

_She said she’d be my “fearless champion”. Are you kidding me??? What do you even say to that???? She readily offered to face her worst fear just so I don’t have to._

_WHO DOES THAT?????_

_But I’ve got no time to think about how that’s the nicest, most chivalrous, sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. Or about how guilty I feel letting her fight a monster because I’m too afraid. Nope. Gotta help her train._

_I wonder what her worst fear is?_

_6/4_

_Tonight was kind of…a dream. I mean, look, a lot of bad stuff did happen but I guess it worked out in the end._

_So, Grom._

_First of all, I absolutely need to point out that Luz looked adorable. That’s a really important part of the story. So now that that’s out of the way: She did it. That crazy human actually walked into the gym and faced Grometheus. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen._

_And it looked like it was working! At least, for about two minutes. I don’t know all of the details, but her worst fear seemed to be her mother, which…well. Unfortunately, I can relate. So she ran out of the school with the monster and about half of Hexside chasing her, and all of a sudden I’d had enough._

_I was done being a child. I was done being afraid. Luz was risking her life for me, and for what? So I wouldn’t get mildly embarrassed? Suddenly it just felt kind of silly, and all that really mattered was that Luz was in danger and I couldn’t stand to watch._

_So I jumped in._

_And the world didn’t end. The Grom rejected me there, in front of everyone, in front of Luz, and I was still standing._

_Okay, sure, nobody could tell who Grometheus was supposed to be, which definitely saved me a lot of trouble. But I still did it. I still looked my fear in the eye and lived._

_So why was it a dream? WELL…_

_After the Grom ripped up my letter and was totally rude about it, Luz and I faced it. Together._

_And that’s when she asked me to go to Grom with her. Yeah yeah, she added a “that’s what friends do” after, which I admit made my heart twist in a way I really don’t wanna think about, but she still said the word’s I’d been to afraid to say. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering so hard that I was almost nauseous, but I pushed past it and asked her to dance. I asked HER to dance!_

_So she grabbed my hand, and…I don’t know, the world just got a little brighter. Does that sound weird? Maybe it does. But I don’t care, because it’s true. We were so incredibly in sync, like we’d been doing this together for years. Like it was something we’d practiced. And when she threw me into the air everything kind of slowed down for a second and I swear I could the whole Boiling Isles. And for once it didn’t look so grim. She caught me in her (surprisingly strong????) arms and, I don’t know, it’s like nobody else existed for that one single second. She put me down pretty quickly, but it felt like I’d been in her arms for hours. It felt like everything had changed._

_I should also probably mention that we defeated the monster and became Grom queens, but that part doesn’t feel as important._

_Wait, okay, thinking back on it now it feels…bittersweet. On one hand, tonight was everything I wanted. But on the other hand…well…I don’t actually have her. We held hands, and we danced, and we went back to school together, and I had a great time! To me, it meant everything._

_But to Luz, I’m still her friend Amity. Being with me tonight wasn’t a big deal. I was just another friend she was hanging out with._

_She has no idea that for just a second, right before she put me down, I really wanted to kiss her. And I’m relieved, but also kind of disappointed. It feels like I got a taste of what could be, but probably never will. It was cruel. We were together, but it wasn’t the right way, and maybe it never will be._

_I’m trying so hard to hold onto all the good that happened tonight and not let the negative get to me, but I’m struggling._

_She’ll probably never feel that way about me. And I guess that’s just something I have to deal with. There’s hope, somewhere, twisted up in my heart, messy and jumbled and glowing, but I should probably shut it down. Luz and I are friends. We’re friends. I am Luz’s FRIEND, and that is okay._

_Well._

_For now, anyway._


	2. And Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This just covers the rest of Season 1!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my friend Francisco, for telling me about his cutest childhood tradition, and my girlfriend, the Amity Expert, who assured me that it would be okay for Amity to say the word "bitch".

_ 6/15 _

_ Called my teacher “mom” again. _ __

_ Well. _

_ I’m sure that means…nothing. At all. And there’s absolutely no reason for me to think more on it, because there are absolutely NO possible psychological ramifications!!!!! I can just…sweep this one under the rug. It’s fine. I’m FINE. _

_ Let’s never talk about this again. _

__

_ 6/19 _ __

_ I wish I had somewhere to go. _

_ It’s not that I’m not grateful for the life I have. Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, it’s just….sometimes I really wish things were different. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the Isles is on my shoulders, and it’s crushing me more and more every day, and one day it’s going to push so hard and I’ll get so small that I’ll turn into nothing. _ __

_ I don’t want to be nothing. _

_ Speaking of nothing, Boscha came over for a sleep over last night and I can’t even articulate how monumentally boring it was. She spent two hours trying to decide what filter to use for her latest Penstagram photo, and when I asked if she wanted to do literally anything else, she went on a tirade about how I “wouldn’t understand the importance” of “social photography” (whatever that means) and made me hold a lamp up so she could take another picture with “better lighting”.  _

_ I can’t believe I was just like her only a few months ago. She’s infuriating. It’s a miracle nobody ever punched me in the face. _

_ I’m starting to wonder how we ever got along in the first place. I mean, yeah, it wasn’t my choice to be friends, but at least before I kind of enjoyed her company. Now it’s maddening to be in her presence for more than an hour. What’s worse is that she and Skara have been fighting recently, and Boscha is ten times worse when Skara isn’t around. It’s like Skara holds the moral compass in the relationship, and when she’s gone Boscha is just a shallow, mean spirited, tries-too-hard-to-be-a-jock bitch. _

_ But hey, she makes my Mom happy. (And isn’t that what’s most important?) _

_ 6/23 _

_ Um, okay, is that really what I was like? _

_ I haven’t been hanging around my usual “crowd” lately, but I guess I was feeling sentimental because I invited them all to hang out in town today. MISTAKE. IT WAS A MISTAKE. _

_ THEY’RE ALL HORRIBLE. _

_ It’s so embarrassing to watch them act out, knowing that’s exactly what I used to do. And yeah, I’m not stupid. I know I was always the loudest, always the nastiest. I was the Ringleader of the most obnoxious circus to ever travel. And I was…proud. _

_ I’ve been blaming my parents for my tenuous friendships for years, but the truth? The truth is that no matter who they made me hang out with, I didn’t have to sink to their level. I didn’t have to act like I was a queen and everyone else was a peon. I may have been pushed into the role, but I not only accepted it, I FLOURISHED. I….I think, at some points, I even enjoyed it. The truth is, nobody forced me to act that way. It was all me. And I think it’s going to take awhile to atone for that. _

_ These people are toxic, and when I’m around them I feel like I’m one step away from becoming toxic again, too. I should stay away. There’s something really melancholy about that. _

_ 6/30 _

_ This is the story of how Boscha BROKE MY LEG. _

_ Okay, fine, maybe she didn’t actually directly break it, but it’s still totally her fault. _

_ When I woke up yesterday the air smelled like autumn, sweat, and desperation, so I knew it was Grudgby season. It’s kind of bittersweet this year, because I remember how powerful I used to feel. There’s something about that captain’s jacket that just goes straight to your head. _

_ Enter: Boscha. _

_ First of all, I know this isn’t technically the important thing here, but I just want to mention that I was DEFINITELY a better captain.  _

_ Anyway. So I’ve distanced myself from the Boscha Squad lately, and I think she’s finally starting to realize it. She’s been directing so much more verbal harassment towards me than usual and honestly, it’s pathetic to watch. It’s like she’s drowning and she’s grasping at anything that could save her and for some reason for Boscha that’s putting people down? It’s like this weird NEED for her, like if she doesn’t make at least one person cry a day she’s going to go nuts. _

_ It used to make me feel better, sometimes, until I found better ways to cope. I wonder if that’s how it works for her, too. _

_ So, anyway, this time she decided to target Willow. Which, okay, I guess I have no right to judge, but it really pisses me off to see someone else do it, too. It’s like a looking at a weird version of me from three months ago, and I look like a MESS. _

_ Willow was handling herself pretty well for the most part. She was still smiling when she went into History class. But by the time I saw her at the end of the school day, it was clear she’d gotten the Boscha treatment. She, Luz, and Gus looked like a hot mess. I was going to say something, but then Luz walked up to me and I forgot what it was. _

_ Speaking of Luz, I’ve been so good at talking to her. I’ve been smooth, I’ve been witty, and I haven’t embarrassed myself even once. _

_ Okay, crap, I guess lying here is like lying to MYSELF and I probably shouldn’t do that, so for truth’s sake I’ve gotta say: I am SO full of it. _

_ She walks up to me and I forget whatever was on my mind. She talks to me and it’s like suddenly I never learned how to speak English. Words come out backwards and sideways, I stutter and squeak, and sometimes I straight up just fall over. She asked me if I had a fever the other day because my face was “so red”, and when I stammered out a squeaky “don’t think so” she got in my space and touched her forehead to mine. _ __

_ Ever felt like you’re trapped in a nightmare, but the nightmare is also a little good so you’re not sure you want it to end? That’s how it felt to have her so close. An emergency siren went off in my head and the only two things I could think were: one, Luz has three tiny freckles on her nose and two, uhhhhh _ __

_ Anyway, I stood up so fast that we bumped heads. So that went well. _

_ So how does this relate to Grudgby? Well, Luz got it into her stupid (adorable) idiotic (sweet) head that she should challenge Boscha to a game of Grudgby in defense of Willow’s honor or something. _

_ She, a human who has never played a sport a day in her life, challenged Boscha, the captain of the team, to a Grudgby match. _

_ Half of me was thinking “really??? This is who my heart chose????” but the other half of me was…well, impressed. Not many people would do that for a friend. So even though it was completely inadvisable and totally dumb, it was also really noble. And I admire that. _

_ That being said, I wanted no part in it. For so many reasons. First of all, I’m done with Grudgby. I made my choice when I quit and I didn’t want to back out of that. Second, as much as I wanted to see Boscha get what she deserved, I’m done with her, too. I don’t want to be involved in her life any more than I have to be. And third, uh. Well. Look, the thought of Luz playing Grudgby was just too much. I thought “hey, what would she look like in a Grudgby uniform” and unfortunately, my mind delivered. It was, obviously, adorable. I needed to get out of there, fast, before someone noticed how weird I was acting. So, yeah, I decided not to get involved. _

_ Which lasted for, I don’t know, maybe three hours. _

_ Turns out, as much as I didn’t want to be involved, I really cared about the outcome of the match. I didn’t want to see Willow and Luz hurt, and, I mean, I barely know that Gus kid but he seems like a good person I guess. _

_ So I found myself wandering around campus, looking for excuses to stay. I helped the janitors clean the auditorium. I tried to do some homework, but that didn’t work out, because I was too anxious to really focus. I practiced my spellwork (which, by the way, is getting SO MUCH better!!!!). I filled my time until I just couldn’t avoid it, and then I trudged over to the Grudgby field. _

_ But instead of finding my friends (my NEW friends), I found Luz in the stands, looking like somebody just spoiled the next Azura book for her. And yeah, maybe I didn’t want to get involved, but if a friend is clearly in distress…well, can you blame me for asking what happened? _

_ Turns out, we’re a lot more similar than I imagined. _

_ Well, sort of. _ __

_ When Luz gets an idea in her head, she jumps on it. Like, immediately. She doesn’t always think things through, and if it’s for a friend she’s even more likely to barrel through without a plan. She decides on something impossible, and just figures that she’s gonna figure it all out on the way. _

_ Even though it’s not such a safe way to do things, I have to admit I sort of envy it? I think things through so much that sometimes, whatever it is just doesn’t get done. Possibilities and ideas and what ifs are constantly running through my brain and I just can’t catch them. It’s exhausting. So, when Luz does something that inevitably leads to trouble, I can’t help but smile. She wouldn’t be Luz if she didn’t get into trouble at least once a day. She just wouldn’t. _

_ It’s funny. Because the time I ruined that Grudgby match is one of the only times I didn’t think something through. I’ve been berating myself for it ever since. I’ve been so angry at myself for not giving enough weight to my decision to use the Thorn Vault. But Luz makes me think that maybe it’s okay to forgive myself. Don’t get me wrong, I hurt people, and I know what I did wasn’t right. I’m not proud of it. _ __

_ But maybe not overthinking could sometimes be okay? _

_ And then she went and announced that she was going to let Boscha torture her, and I started to rethink that. _ __

_ I ran to Gus and Willow and begged them to help. I tried to be calm about it but I know I might’ve freaked out a little, and Willow’s been looking at me weirdly ever since. _

_ I’m not going to think about that. _

_ So, uh, anyway. _

_ We ran out to the field and I did something dumb. I volunteered to be on their team. _

_ For the sake of time, I am NOT going to talk about how cute Luz looked in the Grudgby outfit, or how the marks on her face made her eyes sparkle, and I absolutely did not imagine a scenario in which I was the Grudgby captain again and she wore my varsity jacket. Not gonna go there. _ __

_ I’m not going to lie, being back on the field was kind of fun. It was healing, in a way. It reminded me how much I liked being part of a team. The thought of getting back at Boscha for a lifetime of bitterness was intoxicating. _

_ The three of us worked really well together, too.  _ __

_ And then I went and broke my leg. _

_ Boscha was going for Luz and my mind just went blank. _ __

_ So Boscha tackled me, and when we landed I guess I landed on my leg, and all of a sudden all I felt was searing pain. Not that Boscha noticed, of course. She ran off after the ball again and left me sitting on the field, probably whimpering like a baby. _

_ The rest of the match was a blur, but I know we almost won. We would’ve, too, if Boscha hadn’t caught the smidge. It sucked, but on the bright side, the team was so impressed with Willow’s playing, they basically just…forgot to bully her. Which is, honestly, the best scenario that could’ve happened.  _

_ And then they ran over to see if I was okay, and Luz joked about carrying me, and then SHE DID IT. SHE PICKED ME UP AND CARRIED ME IN HER ARMS. ALL THE WAY TO THE NURSE’S OFFICE.  _

_ There is absolutely no way she didn’t feel how fast my heart was beating. My mind just went blank, and it reminded me of Grom, and I know I was probably blushing, and OW my leg HURT, but Luz was carrying me in her arms, acting like I belonged there. Honestly, I’m lucky Luz is so (and I say this with love, but. Come on. Im not wrong.) oblivious, because I was absolutely freaking out. Completely. Willow, on the other hand, gave me a smirk, and oh man she definitely knows. She totally completely knows about my big fat embarrassing crush. _

_ But, weirdly, I trust her. I know Willow, and I know that she would never do anything to intentionally hurt anybody. She’s a really good person. So I grimaced back at her and tried to resist putting my arms around Luz’s neck. _

_ I guess I’m in their group now? This felt final, like it was my official graduation from Boscha and now I’m free. Which means I’m finally in a friend group that I chose myself, and I’m kind of actually happy. _ __

_ 7/2 _

_ Apparently, there’s a human ritual to draw symbols on someone’s cast when they break a bone. Luz said it’s very important to her culture, and I didn’t want to offend her or anything, so I let her draw on mine. _

_ Luz is an idiot. _ __

_ I was sitting there in awe, wondering what magic human symbols she’s going to draw, watching her marker tracing lines on my cast, thinking I’m about to learn something important, and when she pulls away it says “Feel better Amity”! and then her name in a heart. _ __

_ Liking Luz is a lesson in patience. _

_ Look, don’t get me wrong, I have to admit that seeing that heart around her name made me stop breathing for a second, because I’m  _ **_weak_ ** _ , but she made such a big deal about this tradition. She looked so serious. She really made me believe I was close to making an interspecies faux pas. And all she was doing was signing my cast. _

_ I hate her so much sometimes. _

_ It ended up being a really nice day, though, Willow and Gus wrote some sweet things, and even the Owl Lady wrote “sorry u got broken lol” which, from what I’ve learned about her, is practically a compliment. _

_ I forgot how nice it is to have friends who actually like me! _

_ But then something kind of weird happened. _

_ It got later and I guess I was more exhausted than I realized, because I fell asleep on the couch. Turns out, all of us did, except for Luz. Luz, whose shoulder I woke up resting on. _

_ Crap. _

_ Immediately, my brain started doing damage control. My inner monologue right then went kind of like this: “oh no oh no oh no oh no she’s going to think I’m so creepy I didn’t mean to fall asleep on her maybe she thinks I did it on purpose what if she gets mad why does her hair smell SO GOOD oh no I’m being creepy again I have to apologize okay I can do this, one, two-“ _ __

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ Wait, what? _ __

_ I looked up at Luz. She squinted down at me. _

_ “Did you just apologize to me?” _

_ “Did YOU just apologize to ME?” _

_ After a beat, we both laughed. I sat up, and Luz told me to go first.  _

_ I was embarrassed, but I apologized for falling asleep on her shoulder. My face was burning, which is, unfortunately, something I’m getting very used to, but I forced myself to look her in the eyes anyway. She looked very confused, and her eyes were all scrunched up, the way they get in abominations class when she’s trying to think of a name for her abomination (even though that’s not actually part of the curriculum). _

_ “Amity…we’re friends, aren’t we?” _

_ I gulped. “Uh, yes?” _

_ “So…I mean, I know I don’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but...friends hug. Friends hold hands sometimes, and rest on each other, and…” She looked down and then muttered something that I totally was not prepared for. _

_ “Sometimes I feel like you’re afraid of getting close to people?” _

_ She said it like a question, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t really mean to say it out loud, because then she jumped, like she’d surprised herself, and started stammering out apologies. I didn’t hear any of it, though, because blood was rushing in my ears and suddenly I was six years old again, crying and alone and realizing, for the first time, that maybe that’s how it was always meant to be.  _

_ I don’t know if I ever really stopped being that girl. _

_ Luz was still talking.  _ __

_ “Oh man I’m sorry, it’s not my business or anything-“ I put my hand out to stop her, because when Luz starts to ramble it doesn’t always have a clear end.  _

_ “No. No, it’s okay, you’re…you’re not wrong.” I put my hand on hers, to make her understand that I wasn’t mad. That, actually, I felt kind of seen. It’s not every day someone just cuts so deeply to the point like that with me, and it didn’t feel terrible. _ __

_ Out loud, though, I didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask. _ __

_ We sat there for a little while in a surprisingly comfortable silence until finally, she asked me if my leg hurt. _

_ It did, actually, but I told her it didn’t because…I don’t know, I wanted to seem brave? _

_ It’s dumb. It’s so dumb. But what are you gonna do. _

_ For better or worse though, she knows me pretty well at this point and could tell that I was lying, so I sighed and told her it hurt (but only a little). _

_ “I’m sorry,” she said, for the second time that night. “It’s totally my fault your leg is broken.” _

_ So apparently that’s what she’d been thinking about the entire day. I could tell by the look on her face that she felt really guilty, and this weird mixture of fondness and incredulity swirled through my brain before I finally told her that no, it wasn’t her fault, and yes, it was stupid of her to think it was. _

_ She smiled when I called her “stupid”, like she knew it was a term of affection. How did this girl come to understand me so quickly? It’s kind of unnerving, but I don’t hate it. _ __

_ She was smiling, and I was smiling, and I thought the conversation was over. _

_ And then she started singing. _

_ I KNOW, RIGHT???? _

_ Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of this girl, she goes and does something I don’t expect. It’s like a crazy whirlwind adventure I never signed up for and never wanted to be on in the first place, but hell if I’m getting off the ride anytime soon. _

_ So I sat there, completely stunned into silence, while she sang. It was a short song, and she has a truly awful voice, but I was spellbound. I didn’t want her to stop. _ __

_ Sana sana culito de rana _

_ si no se sana hoy se sana mañana _

_ I had absolutely no idea what the words meant, but wow, were they beautiful. _

_ Before I was ready, it was quiet again. _

_ The room felt a little emptier, without her voice to fill it. “What was that?” I whispered, because I didn’t want to ruin the moment. _

_ “It’s a song my mom used to sing me when I was little.” She put her hand on my cast, eyes melancholy and far away, and I remembered her worst fear from Grom. She’d told me Grometheus took the form of her mother, but she didn’t say more and I didn’t push it. I felt a sudden surge of affection for her and vaguely wondered if we have more in common than I thought.  _

_ “Anytime I had a bruise or a scrape or something,” Luz continued, “she’d touch whatever spot was hurting and sing that song. When I was a kid, I…I thought it was magic.” _

_ “It was,” I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find my voice. “Thank you,” I said instead, and when she smiled at me I swear that, for a second, nothing hurt at all. _

_ 7/8 _

_ I cannot BELIEVE I’m missing the school trip tomorrow. The Emperor’s Coven is all I’ve wanted ever since I was old enough to want anything. When my powers came in my parents bought me The Coven pop up book, and I read that thing over and over.  _

_ It’s my dream to walk the halls of the Emperor’s Castle, and yet here I am, stuck, unable to go ANYWHERE because of my stupid leg.  _

_ Sometimes it feels like the entire Universe is conspiring to make my life miserable. This trip couldn’t have happened, uhh, I don’t know, A WEEK AGO???? BEFORE I was dumb enough to get tackled by Boscha????? _

_ It’s so FRUSTRATING. Every time I think I’ve taken a step forward, something happens to push me two steps back. Can’t the Universe just give me one break???? But no, now I have to sit here scrolling through Penstagram, watching as my friends and classmates have the time of their lives without me. _

_ Ugh, whatever. Maybe it’s not so bad. I mean, really, how interesting could one school trip really get? _

_ 7/9 _

_ OH OKAY. REALLY FREAKING INTERESTING, APPARENTLY. _

_ WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?????? _

_ 7/10 _

_ WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED???? _

_ One second I’m hate-liking posts on Penstagram and the next the news is screaming that the Owl Lady has been captured and is set to be publically petrified. Um, what????? _

_ I’ve never felt so powerless in my entire life. _

_ I have some conflicting feelings about the Owl Lady. On one hand, she’s a criminal, she’s Public Enemy #1, and every time I talk to her she smirks the whole time, like she knows something I don’t. _

_ On the other, she’s important to Luz. And, I mean. She’s never done anything to harm me or anything. I know that’s a low bar, but it does show me that she’s not a bad person. And she definitely doesn’t deserve to be petrified. _ __

_ Nobody deserves that. _ __

_ I spent the rest of the day watching the news and obsessively checking my messages to see if Willow or Luz had answered mine. I even sent one to Gus, but I got nothing. No answers from anyone, and the clock was ticking. The petrification was about to happen and I was going CRAZY. _

_ Then, suddenly, nothing. The broadcast went quiet, and then the announcer showed up on screen looking uncomfortable and said “Uh, sorry, turns out the petrification isn’t happening in the end! Oops!!” and it shut off. _

_ OOPS?????? _ __

_ Then, somehow, it got weirder. _

_ Luz finally sent a message about an hour later that also told me nothing. It just said “Everything’s okay!!! Ill explain later!.” with a smiley face. And when the attached picture loaded, it was of Luz, doing that weird hand thing where she puts up two fingers, the Owl Lady, looking tired but very much not petrified, their weird little demon, and Lilith. _

_ LILITH. _

_ Yeah, THAT Lilith. Head of the Emperor’s Coven Lilith. My sometimes mentor Lilith.  _

_ I mean, I even have a picture of her on my wall!!!! Anytime I look to my left, there she is, watching me. I don’t know if it’s inspiring or creepy. _

_ Anyway, I barely know anything about the relationship between Lilith and the Owl Lady. All I really know is that Lilith was trying to capture her, I guess to get her to join the coven? Or maybe petrification was her plan all along? I don’t know.  _

_ But seeing her in that picture with Luz changes everything. _

_ If Lilith has sided with the Owl Lady, then that means….well, it means she defected. From the coven. _

_ The head of the Emperor’s Coven LEFT.  _

_ I feel like my entire world has just turned upside down. I’m supposed to become part of that coven. I’m expected to follow Lilith’s footsteps. Everything I’ve ever done, all my hard work in school, all of it! All of it is for the Emperor’s Coven.  _

_ But Lilith defecting means two things: _

_ One, I guess she’s no longer my mentor. I mean, we aren’t close or anything, but she’s one of the most powerful witches in the Isles, and losing her instruction feels catastrophic. _ __

_ And _

_ Two, if she left the coven…well, there must be a reason. That leadership was her whole world, and I know she wouldn’t abandon that for anything or anyone. So if she left??? If she actually left????  _

_ If she left…maybe that means that the Emperor’s Coven isn’t what I thought it was. _

_ Look, I’m not stupid. I know what people say about the Emperor. I know what people say about the Coven. But it was always so easy to ignore. I told myself people were just jealous of their power. Of MY power. I told myself that the Owl Lady (and, by extension, Luz) being so against the coven was just some sort of petty rivalry that had nothing to do with me, so I didn’t need to think about it. _ __

_ The whispers of evil, of shadows and petrification and tyranny, were so easy to ignore!!! When you want something badly enough, it’s so easy to become willfully blind. If it got in the way of my path to joining the coven, I sort of just…ignored it.  _

_ But apparently I can’t do that anymore. It’s time to admit that something really shady actually IS happening there. And if whatever it is is enough to get Lilith to defect…well, what does that mean for me? _

_ I still want to join the coven. I can’t help it, I still want it. I don’t know who I am if I’m not training for that. This is my purpose in life. It always has been. But now, when I look at Lilith’s poster on my wall, it doesn’t inspire me anymore. It makes me uncomfortable. _

_ I’m more confused than I’ve ever been, and all I want to do is hide under the covers and pretend nothing’s happening. But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to figure this out. _ __

_ One way or the other, I’m going to figure this out. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for encouraging me to write more, everyone! When the show returns from hiatus I'll continue as it goes, but for now this is what we've got. (Also I may or may not be writing a Lumity coffee shop AU shhhh)
> 
> Thanks for the read! Lemme know what you think! :) (Oh and lmk if the formatting for this got messed up pls, Im so tired I just ignored it)
> 
> (The translation for the song Luz sings is:  
> “Heal up heal up frogs little butt  
> if it doesn’t heal up soon itll heal up tomorrow”)


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